My Best Kept Secrets

Oh look, I had a checklist: [[12-9-2007: I’d give a whole...

Sun, 30 Jan 2011 02:03:19 -0500

Oh look, I had a checklist:

[[12-9-2007: I’d give a whole bunch to get to spend a day at the mall with him, have an hour-long phone conversation with him, and kiss him - just once.]]

I have successfully accomplished all of those things, now, by the way.

Every single day, people pointed out how thin I...

Sun, 30 Jan 2011 01:34:12 -0500

Every single day, people pointed out how thin I was.

[[11-28-2007: Today, in class, my teacher said: “Who fits into a size 0?! It’s like impossible; it’s not realistic.” But, I am that size, and I was sitting there feeling like I didn’t exist.]]

I was so sick of being defined as “that skinny girl”. And, I was even more sick of being hated for it.

I still love every single moment we spend...

Sun, 30 Jan 2011 01:20:26 -0500

I still love every single moment we spend together,

[[11-18-2007: All I know is I love every moment we spend together, and, sometimes - as in the times he acts like he going to throw me into a fire, garbage can, or pool - I act scared just so I can hold on more tightly.]]

and I crave his touch.

We’ve had something special for a long time. [[11-14-2007:...

Sun, 23 Jan 2011 22:33:39 -0500

We’ve had something special for a long time.

[[11-14-2007: When we all got back, he saw me and hugged me just a tad longer than usual. Right before he walked off, he reached his hand out to gently touch my arm.]]

I’m so glad he tried - and never gave up on me - even when I seemed to push him away.

Sometimes, I really was the problem. [[11-11-2007: “Your...

Sun, 23 Jan 2011 22:18:00 -0500

Sometimes, I really was the problem.

[[11-11-2007: “Your work is amazing,” he said to me. I was shocked. I told him that he’d never said those words to me in his entire life. “Well, then you better really appreciate it when I do,” he replied.]]

I always put him down; I always joked. He tried to be nice and show me that I mattered, but I was such an insecure little bitch.

I was insecure at it’s best! [[11-1-2007: We talked for a...

Sun, 23 Jan 2011 22:03:04 -0500

I was insecure at it’s best!

[[11-1-2007: We talked for a few minutes on AIM. But, I never say much, because I fear that I’ll sound too clingy or annoying.]]

I’ve learned not to hold back what’s real; there are no limits on how many times per week or day that you are allowed to text someone.

Nothing is gained from pretending to care about someone less than you actually do.

All the boys liked me first, [[10-20-2007: And, my friend said...

Mon, 17 Jan 2011 22:56:00 -0500

All the boys liked me first,

[[10-20-2007: And, my friend said to me, “is it bad that I’m happy you didn’t like my current boyfriend? ‘Cause I really do”.]]

and, when I didn’t give them a chance, then they dated my friends.

It seems like no one ever understood what I wanted from...

Mon, 17 Jan 2011 22:01:00 -0500

It seems like no one ever understood what I wanted from him.

[[6-28-2007: I got to hug him goodbye. I wish it could have lasted forever. I’m pathetic.]]

Yes, I liked him, but I didn’t want to date him. I didn’t want to date anyone. All I wanted was a best friend, and, for some reason, I saw potential in him.

I still hate the fact that this ever happened… [[6-8-2007:...

Mon, 17 Jan 2011 16:16:27 -0500

I still hate the fact that this ever happened…

[[6-8-2007: No! I found out that they’re officially dating. I really don’t think they’re right for each other. He can do way better.]]

… Hate. But, everything happens for a reason, and the past shapes the present.

We never were good at talking about anything that actually...

Mon, 17 Jan 2011 15:29:04 -0500

We never were good at talking about anything that actually mattered.

[[4-9-2007: A friend of mine asked me ”do you like him?” Apparently his soon-to-be girlfriend is mad, because she thinks I do. She doesn’t fricken own him! I swear, when they date I won’t even be able to talk to him. Oh, and he too suspects that I have a crush on him, I hear. Why won’t people just talk to me instead of going through others to get answers.]]

Pretty much, it took us over 3 years to solve this problem.

I always swore I’d never be a typical girl, [[3-31-2007:...

Mon, 17 Jan 2011 13:32:20 -0500

I always swore I’d never be a typical girl,

[[3-31-2007: So, why is it that I’ve become everything I hate? I mean, I’m jealous of a girl because of a guy. She gets to dance with him and hang out with him.]]

but I was back then and, in some ways, I still am, now.

This was all my fault; I truly feel that I pushed him away....

Mon, 17 Jan 2011 02:11:00 -0500

This was all my fault; I truly feel that I pushed him away.

[[3-16-2007: Ugh. She broke up with her boyfriend, and she likes my friend. I mean, it’s not really that I wanted to go out with him, but I didn’t want him to go out with someone else. Now, they’ll hang out more than ever, and the dance will suck. So, basically, if they start dating, I will probably loose one of the best friends I have ever had.]]

I was such a horrible friend. I don’t even know why he continued to talk to me…

I’ve always tended to attract the creepy...

Mon, 17 Jan 2011 01:48:00 -0500

I’ve always tended to attract the creepy guys.

[[1-31-2007: That nasty boy was asking my best friend and I for our numbers while we were working out. He helped me push out the leg press - without my consent - and proceeded to touch me. Seriously?! Did he really put his hand around my arm and call it sexy!? Eww! That was the end; we got out of there before he could act any creepier.]]

That’s okay, because they don’t have a chance with me.

Nowadays, I pretty much think I’m the shit, [[1-7-2007:...

Mon, 17 Jan 2011 00:50:00 -0500

Nowadays, I pretty much think I’m the shit,

[[1-7-2007: So, I joined Myspace, and everyone looks so pretty in their pictures. I feel so self-conscious. If only I could stop getting so caught up on looks…]]

but I still have my doubts - some people are just too gorgeous.

I used to write about the things that I wish were actually...

Mon, 17 Jan 2011 00:33:00 -0500

I used to write about the things that I wish were actually happening,

[[1-2-2007: I like writing the story so much, because I have the freedom to make the characters do whatever I want them to. It’s like a giant daydream.]]

but, now, I mostly write about the things that really did happen.

One day I became obsessed with my appearance… [[1-2-2007:...

Mon, 17 Jan 2011 00:25:00 -0500

One day I became obsessed with my appearance…

[[1-2-2007: I was going to scrapbook, but I was looking through the album and all I could notice was how dark and bushy my eyebrows used to be. Thank God I started plucking them, because I never want to look like that again.]]

… and, there is no turning back.

I hate that they made me feel like such an outsider. [[1-2-2007:...

Mon, 17 Jan 2011 00:11:00 -0500

I hate that they made me feel like such an outsider.

[[1-2-2007: I have realized how different I am from everyone else. As much as I live by the ‘always be yourself and never change for anyone’ type quotes, they have found a way to screw me over. There are probably people who secretly look up to me, for one reason or another, but I wish I could know who and why. I don’t feel as if anyone has fully accepted me. When it comes to the “group”, I feel like the weakest link.]]

But, it’s over now, and I would never choose to go back.

Growing up means growing apart, in some...

Sun, 16 Jan 2011 22:21:00 -0500

Growing up means growing apart, in some cases.

[[12-3-2004 : She told me on the phone today that we won’t be going to the same high school next year. I didn’t know what to say; I felt terrible. I guess we wouldn’t be eating our lunches together and having a ton of school-night sleepovers, after all. I consider her to be my best friend, and that’s why this is so hard.]]

That girl used to be my world; we did everything together. Now, we hardly speak. I know we’re both happy living our separate lives, but sometimes I still really miss her.