My Best Kept Secrets

Oh look, I had a checklist:

[[12-9-2007: I’d give a whole bunch to get to spend a day at the mall with him, have an hour-long phone conversation with him, and kiss him - just once.]]

I have successfully accomplished all of those things, now, by the way.

Every single day, people pointed out how thin I was.

[[11-28-2007: Today, in class, my teacher said: “Who fits into a size 0?! It’s like impossible; it’s not realistic.” But, I am that size, and I was sitting there feeling like I didn’t exist.]]

I was so sick of being defined as “that skinny girl”. And, I was even more sick of being hated for it.

I still love every single moment we spend together,

[[11-18-2007: All I know is I love every moment we spend together, and, sometimes - as in the times he acts like he going to throw me into a fire, garbage can, or pool - I act scared just so I can hold on more tightly.]]

and I crave his touch.

We’ve had something special for a long time.

[[11-14-2007: When we all got back, he saw me and hugged me just a tad longer than usual. Right before he walked off, he reached his hand out to gently touch my arm.]]

I’m so glad he tried - and never gave up on me - even when I seemed to push him away.

Sometimes, I really was the problem.

[[11-11-2007: “Your work is amazing,” he said to me. I was shocked. I told him that he’d never said those words to me in his entire life. “Well, then you better really appreciate it when I do,” he replied.]]

I always put him down; I always joked. He tried to be nice and show me that I mattered, but I was such an insecure little bitch.

I was insecure at it’s best!

[[11-1-2007: We talked for a few minutes on AIM. But, I never say much, because I fear that I’ll sound too clingy or annoying.]]

I’ve learned not to hold back what’s real; there are no limits on how many times per week or day that you are allowed to text someone.

Nothing is gained from pretending to care about someone less than you actually do.

All the boys liked me first,

[[10-20-2007: And, my friend said to me, “is it bad that I’m happy you didn’t like my current boyfriend? ‘Cause I really do”.]]

and, when I didn’t give them a chance, then they dated my friends.

It seems like no one ever understood what I wanted from him.

[[6-28-2007: I got to hug him goodbye. I wish it could have lasted forever. I’m pathetic.]]

Yes, I liked him, but I didn’t want to date him. I didn’t want to date anyone. All I wanted was a best friend, and, for some reason, I saw potential in him.

I still hate the fact that this ever happened…

[[6-8-2007: No! I found out that they’re officially dating. I really don’t think they’re right for each other. He can do way better.]]

… Hate. But, everything happens for a reason, and the past shapes the present.